What Hurts The Most
by NinjaDragonShiroku
Summary: [England Decides Enough is Enough. He can't take the way France looks at him anymore.] France hates me. I can see it in his eyes, especially today of all days. But today is the day where Frances love appears, and I, disappear. [So its time to disappear. FrUk Yaoi Part of the Dear You series.]


What Hurts The Most

_I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house...that don't bother me._

The date today is May 30 2014. The 583rd* anniversary of my dear Joan of Arc's departure from this world. I'm here, by her side, paying my respects to the one I so dearly loved. I look up as rain splashed on my face, the only day I would ever let my hair get this wet. I sigh loudly, watching the white air escape my lips and fade into nothing. I jump as the sudden slamming of a car door brings me back to the present. Who on earth could it be? This is a private grave site, noone but me is aloud here. I am not quite sure why, but I hide as I hear quick foot steps approach. I hear a muffled voice and try to get closer, I can just make out what they are saying "...I know I've already been here today...and...I am increasing the risk of France seeing me here...but...I...I just wanted to say, express, how sorry I really am...I...I was jealous...heh...pretty lame excuse right?..." I recognize that voice! But from where? "...I...I love him just as much, if not perhaps more, as you...but, he only had eyes for you...he always will...and...thats why I promise I will have him smile...smile just for you once more and...take away the _thing_...he hates the most..." I couldn't believe my ears! That, That is England! What is he doing _here_?! And what is he going on about? "The...only problem is...I don't know how...I mean I can raise the dead...but only for a short period of time...and I...I can't di-" I hear him gasp loudly "I...I know how I can-! This is perfect! I...I'll be back again!" I heard him running away and his car start. I stood coming out from where I was hiding, what on earth was Arthur talking about? I...I think I might wait till he comes back.

_I can take a few tears now and then, and just let them out..._

I am a genius! Of course that spell would work! It would take a few weeks or so for the full affect, but it would work nonetheless. The only down fall is...I would miss him...I would miss him terribly... Its worth it to see him smile. See that smile that is only reserved for two people, her and Canada, the two he loves the most in the world. The two that, unfortunately, are not me. He doesn't love me anyway, he hates me, I am just a burden. A thorn to burst the bubble of his happiness. I will never hold a true, special place in his heart, I know this now which makes it all the more painful. If you haven't guessed yet I, Arthur Kirkland the personification of England, are indeed in utter love with Francis Bonnefoy the personification of France. Sadly, this is not the case for the opposite way around. France hates me. I can see it in his eyes, especially today of all days. But today is the day where Frances love appears, and I, disappear.

_I'm not afraid to cry every one in a while, even though going on with you gone, still upsets me..._

I have been waiting in the rain for almost an hour waiting for him to return. I'm starting to think I just imagined seeing England, and I might be getting sick... 'Whatever, I'm leaving.' I think as I start to walk to the entrance. "Ow!" I fall backwards and land on my butt, I ran into someone. "S-Sorry...France..." My eyes blink open as I see a familiar, but sad face, looking down at me. I stood watching him carefully "...What are you doing here England?" I saw him flinch as he looked down "I..." he grabbed my arm and dragged me back over to where Joan lay. He turned to face me with a sad smile. He seemed to be crying, but I cant imagine him ever crying since...Its just not England. It must be the rain. "I wanted to...to say sorry and...I remembered a spell I could do...and well...let me just show you..." he began to draw some sort of circle thing around Joans grave. He pulled out his old leather bound book and flipped to a random page from my view, and began to mumble incoherent words.

_There are days every now and again I pretend I'm ok, but thats not what gets me!_

This is it. With each word I bring her to this life, to France, and step farther from my own. I close my eyes as I say the last words and a bright light fills the circle in which she lays. Once it has gone I open them and see her. She is just as I remembered. I hear France cry out in shock and rush to her, not grasping the situation fully. I hear my heart shatter as they embrace and kiss. He then smiles to her, that one smile only she sees, and more tears fall down my face. I'm thankful that it is raining as hard as it is. They speak and I wait, I can't seem to move, he turns to me and utters a simple phrase "She wants to talk to you" I move to where she is, and she smiles. She thanks me and hugs me, I thought she would hate me too, she asks why and I explain. She seems shocked "...The only way you can achieve the life you need to stay by his side...is if one who would have the same span of life as him gave it too you..." didn't she know? For her to be happy, for him to be happy, I had to disappear. She disagrees and I can tell she will try and tell France. I beg her not to "Joan...I've done so much wrong to him...this...this is the only way I can make it up to him." I laugh at my selfishness "I must ask of you one more thing..." At first it seems she will refuse, but she slowly nods her head "Please...take care of the new England...and...tell France..." I swallow past the lump in my throat 'I love him' "I'm sorry..." then, I leave.

_What hurts the most, was being so close, and having so much to say...And watching you walk away_

Its been a few weeks since that day. I don't think I have ever been this happy, everything seems right in the world. A small knock resounds in my study and I tell Joan its open. She walks in, I immediately know some things wrong "...Joan? Whats the matter Mon Cheri?" her hands fidget and she is silent for many long moments then she fell to her knees and started to spill all she knew "France! T-The spell England u-used to make me a-alive again w-wasn't just a s-stay alive f-for a little w-while spell...It was a f-full on live forever s-spell" I nodded and told her that, that was nothing to worry about. She shook her head "Yes! I-It is because i-in order for death to gain l-life...Something...o-or someone...must sacrifice t-themselves" I paused hoping what I was thinking wasn't true "...Joan...Don't tell me Arthur..." She looked up at me with sad eyes "...Francis...he did..." I fell to my knees as well. Why would Arthur do something like that? "He loves you France! He loves you and he thinks you hate him!...Mon dieu what have I done?!" I blinked as I realized I had asked the question aloud when met with the loud response. I pulled her into a hug and whispered soothing words into her ears trying to calm her "...Joan...How...How much time...does he have left" she wiped the remaining tears "Twenty Four hours."

_And never knowing, What could have been, and not seeing that loving you was what I was trying to do_

I sat alone as always staring out the window. Another set of violent coughs wracked my body, I dropped my teacup but only faintly heard the smash it made as I fell against the window, breathing shallow feeling myself fade faster than before. I smiled wryly 'Almost time huh?' I said. Or at least I thought I said it. I felt a cool wetness slip down my cheek as I realized I was crying again. I laughed mournfully, oh how France would love to see me so weak. He would laugh...he would smile...I stood ignoring the shards of what remained of my teacup that bit into my feet. I walked back up to my room and lay down. I stared up at the ceiling and sighed softly. I smiled feeling my eyes drift shut one last time. Faintly, I begin to think that I hear France calling my name. I shake my head, impossible. They shut further and I see him. He stands over me, he looks worried, scared even. I want to calm him but I know he can't possibly be real. Hes at his home, living a happy life with Joan. I sigh and look straight up at the illusion France, hes yelling something, but I can't hear him "Love can sometimes be magic...But magic can sometimes...Just be an illusion..." more tears pour down my face as the France above me stops. My eyes shut completely. The last thing I can hear is France calling out my name. He seems, sad.

_Its hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go, but I'm doing it._

...Why?

_Its hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone. Still harder, getting up, getting dressed, living with this regret. _

I screamed at Arthur as his eyes shut. He better not be dyeing! He can't! I wont let him! I call to Joan hoping shes found the book. I sigh in relief as she appears with it clenched tightly in her grasp. She smiled sadly "Francis...to undo the curse..." we had decided that this was no longer a 'spell' "...I have to give England back his life...and...I would have to leave" I stopped and took in her words. I looked at her, she seemed content. She nodded to me and smiled, She would be happy as long as I was. I looked down at England. He was so pale, so weak. He breathed shallow breaths, I knew we had to act fast. I smiled sadly at Joan "If you are willing to do so Joan...I...I would like to begin." She nodded and smiled happily drawing the same mark around England as he did to her. In all complete honesty, I am devastated to watch her leave again, but this time at least she is happy. She smiles and looks at me as she begins to fade, the beautiful light shining and dancing in her eyes and on her hair. She giggles "Take good care of him France" I let a tears slip down my face as I whisper goodbye. The light fades and England seems slightly healthier, hes not breathing as shallow. I'll stay till he gets better. He has some explaining he needs to do.

_But I know, If I could do it over! I would trade, give away, all the words that I'd say in my heart that I left unspoken!_

I open my eyes to a bright light. I sit up gingerly and look around, I see...France? No that can't be right...he is supposed to at his home with Joan. I'm not supposed to exist anymore. Wait...could this all just be what happened when I disappeared? Am I just being fed an imaginary scene where all that I wished for was coming true? I laughed aloud and 'France' stirred, I clasped my hands over my mouth, I didn't mean to wake him. He looked at me and crossed his arms sighing slightly "Arthur I know you just awoke but...WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!" he raised his voice and stood towering over me. All I could do was blink, he noticed and sat down. He rubbed the back of his head "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to yell." he sits beside me and strokes my head. I look at him curiously, this is the real France, but...What on earth is he _doing_? Shouldn't he be laughing at me? Telling me how weak I am? How stupid? I'm utterly confused. I hear him laugh, I flinch, "England...you look so cute when your confused...but, please, tell me what you think you might have accomplished when you did that..." I look up at him and sigh "...You...you hate me...and you love Joan so much...I thought perhaps, if I could find some way, that I could bring her back for you...and I could just...disappear..." I avert my eyes, I realize I wont be able to stop now, tears roll down my face once again and I frown. I can't believe how weak I am "...And I found out how...so, I used the spell, knowing the consequences fully...I didn't tell you though..." I smiled wryly "You would have been happier that way...but Joan told you didn't she?...she sacrificed her new life for someone as worthless as me..." I laugh dryly and France stares. He knows, so why isn't he laughing?

_What hurts the most, was being so close, and having so much to say. And watching you walk away._

I froze as England told me why he would do such a thing. I silently gripped him tighter, but I don't think he noticed "...Arthur..." he looks up at me curiously and slightly frightened, I sigh "...I don't hate you-" England pushes me slightly "Yes! Yes you do France! You bloody Frog, Don't lie to me! I don't need your sympathy! I-I killed the one you love the most twice! Twice France! You cannot sit there and honestly tell me that you don't hate me!" he gasps for breath, and sits still waiting for me to tell him the truth. Yet, I am telling him the truth, I do not hate him. I am disappointed in him. So I tell him, he looks at me as though I'm insane "I...am disappointed because you tried to die without me. You are **not** aloud to do that to me Arthur" I hug him tightly "I don't know what I'd do without you..." I feel him tense, but he slowly relaxes in my grasp and hug back. My vision starts to blur, and it takes a moment before I realize, I'm crying. I look down at England, whos eyes are shut tightly, trying to fight off tears. I smile and lean down towards his ear.

_And never knowing, what could have been, And not seeing that loving you was what I was trying to do._

"I love you..."

_What hurts the most! Was being so close! And having so much to say, and watching you walk away._

I jump almost three feet in the air. Did France really just? Or am I dreaming some insane cruel dream? I move and look at him. Hes crying too. I wipe them slightly and look into his eyes for any hint of dishonesty. There is none. I gasp and pull him closer, he smiles. My eyes widen and I stare till they protest from lack of moisture. Hes smiling, that special reserved smile, at me. I feel more tears fall fast down my cheeks, but it doesn't register fast enough as France pulls my face to his and kissed me. There was so much passion and love, I almost forgot where I was and who was making me feel like this. Feel such love and needing. I understand why France was upset, he would have missed me too. I pull him as close as I possibly could, wishing deeply that this moment would never end, that this feeling, this out of this world feeling, would never end. Kami...I love this man so much.

_And never knowing, what could have been, And not seeing that loving you was what I was trying to do..._

I love him. Its as simple as that, so simple, however, I had mistaken it for pity. I understand now how Arthur had felt, that horrible feeling of seeing some one that you love so much just leave, and be happy with another, you watch them as they become more and more happy, while you can do nothing about it, but stay silent, and tolerate it. Until finally you can't and you burst apart from all the hidden emotions, dyeing silently, pain and suffering searing through your heart like a dagger, until, you break. And there is nothing left of the you, you once were. You just become a shell, but you still find some way to smile, to laugh, to hide the heartbreak and pain, coming off as if you didn't care in the first place. Then one day, you slip away. Arthur almost slipped away too, but I caught him before he could, now his barriers are breaking, and he is becoming whole once again. And for that, I love him all the more. I can't imagine life without him, and I never will have too.

_Not seeing that loving you... Thats what I was trying to do..._

**FRUKFRUKFRUKFRUKFRUKFRUKFRUKFRUKFRUKFRUKFRUKFRUKFRUKFRUK**

Shiro: Phew I almost thought the lyrics wouldn't fit! Oh The song is What Hurts The Most by Rascal Flatts

England: What the bloody hell was that!?

Shiro: What do you mean?

France: He means that you other only write Emo corner depressing things or Cavity inducing fluff.

Shiro:...Is that true?

England: So far.

Shiro:...Do you guys think so too?...This is semi part of the Dear You Series. Its England and Frances before the war. Next chap will be for during and slightly after the war. And don't worry! Ameripan is-a coming! You just wait! Its like really long so far so ya...heh Jaa Nee!

FrUk: Jaa Nee


End file.
